If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andrew A. Rooney

A dog can express more with his tail in minutes than his owner can express with his tongue in hours.
-Anonymous

Never judge a dog's pedigree by the kind of books he does not chew.
-Anonymous

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner

You Know Your A Dog Person When....
All you do is look up dogs on the Internet
-Anonymous

WHY IT IS EASIER TO ROOM WITH A DOG

Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking directions.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs never expect gifts.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

1.It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.
2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her
3.He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet
4.The command "SHUT THE BLOODY F*%@ UP!" means just that
5. The cats have every right to be in the living room.
6. Crapping on the floor is not something deserving of a treat
7.Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid
8.No, we said SIT
9.I know its a nice leg, but don't ride it
10. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk
11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can
12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once
13.No, it's my food....Oh alright then, just a small piece

Judith walked into her living room and saw her brother playing chess with their dog. "Amazing!" she sputtered. "This must be the smartest dog in the history of the world!" "He's not so smart," her brother mumbled. "I've beaten him three out of five games so far."

A wealthy lady had been traveling out of the country and was flying back home. She had a lot of luggage including a little carrier for her pet dog whom she loved very much. When her airplane landed at the airport and her luggage was being unloaded, one of the attendants noticed that the dog inside the lady's dog carrier was dead. He went immediately and told his supervisor.

"This is just terrible!" said the supervisor. "This lady is very wealthy and could sue our company for not taking better care of her dog." He thought for a few moments and then quickly decided on a plan. "Here," he said, giving the attendant a handful of money, "take this and go to the pet store down the road and see if you can find a dog that looks like the dead dog. Do the best you can and I'll stall the lady until you get back." When the delay was getting to be too long, the wealthy lady complained loudly and demanded to be taken to her dog.

Luckily, the attendant had just arrived from the pet store with a live dog that he was sure not even the lady herself could tell from her own one. When he brought the carrier with the new dog inside to where the lady was, she immediately took it, opened it, then burst into tears. "This is not my dog!" she cried. "This is not my dog!" The supervisor tried to calm her. "Yes, it is," he said. "This is your dog." The lady cried all the louder, "This is not my dog!"

Back and forth they went for several minutes. The supervisor was desperate. The dog in the carrier was identical to the woman's dead dog in every way. He couldn't understand why she kept insisting that this was not her dog. Finally, he said, "Lady, it's obvious that this is your dog. Why do you keep saying that it's not?" The lady, still patting her eyes with her hanky, sobbed, "Because my precious little Poopsie died while we were overseas and I was bringing her home to bury her!"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Make me.

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants.

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, there it is right there........

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Pomeranian: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of them, so the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?

Maltese: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the Maltese cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes!
The Maltese crossed the road,
but why it crossed,
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all Maltese will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the Maltese crossed the road. Someone told us that the Maltese crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of Maltese to cross the road.

KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
What Maltese?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no Maltese has gone before.

FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more Maltese have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the Maltese crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eMaltese 98, which will not only cross roads, but will file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of theMaltese.

EINSTEIN:
Did the Maltese really cross the road or did the road move beneath the Maltese?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT Maltese. What do you mean by Maltese? Could you define Maltese please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The Maltese crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.