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Maltese dog Humor

You Know Your a Maltese Person When...
Maltese at the Movies
Moms and Maltese
Does Your Maltese Own You?
Maltese in the desert
Maltese Rules
Help Wanted
Mind games Maltese play with humans
A Maltese named Love
Talking Maltese Dog for Sale
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You know you're a Maltese person when...

  • You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes, harnesses, and crates than you have Maltese.
  • You meet other people with Maltese, and remember their Maltese's call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
  • You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your Maltese.
  • Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to your Maltese as "your kids" or your children." (Bonus: they start to call them "our GrandMaltese")
  • 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the Maltese Only website (seeing what's new when you enter site and reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, discussion forum and FAQs, etc.).
  • You have hundreds of pictures of your Maltese on your desk at work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or yourself.
  • No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get Maltese hair on their clothes.
  • You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats, Maltese kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've done this in a classy establishment.)
  • You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on the best way to trim your Maltese's nails, but have never had a manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
  • Books and movies are ruined for you if the Maltese references are incorrect.
  • The highlight of your day is spending time with your Maltese.
  • You watch simply awful movies because a Maltese is either featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot during a crowd scene.
  • The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are the Maltese?" or "How many Maltese do you have now?"
  • Your photo Christmas cards feature your Maltese (humans optional).
  • You and your Maltese both are now logging on to the Maltese Only website and argue whether to visit the discussion forum or photoalbum pages first.

Maltese at the Movies

I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his Maltese. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the Maltese cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the Maltese laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "Your Maltese really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

Moms and Maltese

A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his Maltese. The little Maltese is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous Maltese to a contract. This Maltese can make us both rich." The man brings his little Maltese to the talent scouts office. The little Maltese is just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano Pavarotti), when a large Maltese runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of the neck. She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in her mouth. The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!" The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."

Does Your Maltese Own You?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your Maltese.

  • You believe every Maltese is a lap dog.
  • If you are cold, you put a sweater on your Maltese.
  • You have a picture of your Maltese in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
  • You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your Maltese.
  • You have your Maltese talk to your friends on the phone.
  • You can't fully enjoy yourself without your Maltese.
  • No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your Maltese(s).
  • You spend more on clothes and food for your Maltese than you do for yourself.
  • You have no reservations about kissing your Maltese on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.
  • You let the neighbor Maltese sleep over.
  • You believe there is no such thing as a naughty Maltese.
  • Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
  • When you need someone to talk to, your Maltese is your first choice.
  • You sit on the floor if the Maltese got in the chair first.
  • You talk to your Maltese when you are driving. He/She answers.
  • Your Maltese taught you to fetch and roll over.

Maltese in the desert

Once there was a man who, as a vacation, went to the desert with his maltese. As he was walking, he turned to find his maltese digging up a magic lamp. The maltese rubbed its noes on the lamp.A genie popped out of it and announced he would grant them each one wish. the dog looked at the owner.Noticing how dry it was, the owner wished for a bowl of water for his maltese, his wish was granted.The dog looked at the owner and rolled its eyes.The maltese barked twice, the genie nodded and granted his wish, the wish was to talk.the dog announced,"my good man, why have you given me water" the owner answered, "it is terribly hot, pup" the dog grunted, tipped the water over and ran across the street into the minnie mart and came out with a 10 pack package of water.

Maltese Rules

  1. The Maltese is not allowed in the house.
  2. Okay, the Maltese is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
  3. The Maltese is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
  4. The Maltese can get on the old furniture only.
  5. Fine, the Maltese is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
  6. Okay, the Maltese is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
  7. The Maltese can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
  8. The Maltese can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
  9. Fine, the Maltese can sleep under the covers every night.
  10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the Maltese.

Help Wanted

One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A Maltese dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The Maltese pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "Okay, take this letter and type it." The Maltese went off to the typewriter and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly typed.

The manager, looking to stump the Maltese, said: "Here is a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the Maltese came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position," he said. "You've got to be bilingual." The Maltese looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."

Mind games Maltese play with humans

  1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.
  2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
  3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
  4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go pee, sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
  5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go poop. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
  6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
  7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
  8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears. This is a good one - don't overuse it and your humanswill be so relieved to find that you're OK that it could get you a cup of Frosty Paws.)
  9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
  10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!


Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

Dog Bed: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

Drool: Is what you do when your person have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

Deafness: This is a malady which affects Maltese when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

Sofas: Are to Maltese like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down thr front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

Bath: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Lean: Every good Maltese's response to the command "sit!"' especially if your person is dressed foa an evening out. Incredibly effective befor black tie events.

Bump: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require...especially effective when combined with the sniff (see above.)

Love: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If your lucky, a human will love you in return.

I hope you enjoy these as much as I did when I received them. Lalita tried the Goosebump, combined with The Sniff on me last week... talk about being startled!
~Opal, Lalita, & Veba submitted this Maltese Humor

A Maltese named Love

A woman named her Maltese Love because it was so affectionate. One night, Love failed to come home, so the woman went looking for her. Because she was running around frantically, dressed only in a bathrobe, a police officer pulled up next to her. "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "I'm out here looking for Love," the woman replied. The officer arrested her on the spot.

Talking Maltese Dog for Sale

In Florida, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Maltese dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a white dog sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Maltese replies. "So, what's your story?" The Maltese looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had 18 wives, too many puppies to remember, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

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Maltese Only Humor created by Jay Bianco
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